Troubles

Somewhere I read that we are incredibly honest with the web. I have been honest in my previous posts and I intend to keep doing so, mostly because I am not advertising this blog at all, and only people who really want to read it find it.

From a medical point of view, last weeks have been quite hectic. I started wearing sensors again, with first week being definitely positive (BGs are, according to my endo, much closer to human decency, so I guess that means thumbs up for me).
Then my period came, together with the weekend, and a rather unpleasant experience, resulting in bingeing, incredibly high BGs (partly because of my period, which makes it incredibly hard to lower blood sugar, but partly because of eating lots of carbs, i.e. binges).
So today, after waking up with a post-binge awfully (really awfully) high BG, I got back on track.

Since I embarked in this journey, several things have happened on a human perspective.
I have, first of all, learnt to put some distance between me and my endo. Before all this, I did not know much about her. I liked her a lot, she seemed really positive and encouraging and cool and young and I felt understood.
Then I was back for holidays and it happened that she checked my HbA1c and said what she said and ever since she has repeatedly hit me, even when I have shown her a picture of my tattoo. She acts for my wellbeing, she has been tough for my wellbeing, then she started again being nice and funny and she hugged me after devastating me. I think something is broken now, with her.

At least, even if I was a wreck for days, starting this online sharing of my struggles has led some of my friends to get back to me. The ones that matter, I guess, have asked me what is going on. The ones that matter have asked me what they can do to help me. They have started encouraging me. My best friend has started carrying sugar around with her. My other friends, the colleagues I am closer to, ask questions on how it works with my blood sugar (and some of them have started to realize how messy it is to deal with it).
In this emotional mess, I have found so very heartwarming that they are, no matter how, close to me.

I have, if not completely at least partially, recovered a friendship which, at that time, had been quite strong to me. Someone I was connected to at university. We parted in a not so friendly way and then life happened, I went somewhere, she went somewhere else and from me there has been some resentment up until a few months ago, when I realized that she was actually the first person I practiced Buddhism with.
And then she came up with a long and moving message about this blog (and maybe she will read this too, so if you do… well, I don’t know, actually 🙂 ).
So, wow, this whole tragedy has got me back a friend I thought I had lost.

Diabetes has also made me realize something.
I am completely screwed up.

I have met someone, let’s say randomly (at least, without any sentimental purpose) who looked like the last person on earth I could ever consider interesting. Damn appearances. I discovered that this person is unbelievably interesting, and open, and curious. And I started to fall for this person. Come on, it’s just a stupid crush, it’s nothing. And I was well aware that this wouldn’t lead anywhere, that I am not enough for this person to like me.
The real tragedy happened when this person helped me count carbs for a meal. And paradoxically, I have felt this as the most personal and intimate thing in my life.
And with this realization I understand how screwed I am.

So diabetes has taken a lot from me and it has also given a lot to me. I don’t know if it gave more or took more from me. The thing I know is that I am in deep trouble. troubles